


Worth It

by ShyOwl



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Apologies, Director Tony Stark, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Everyone Needs A Hug, Fluff, Humor, Insecure Steve Rogers, Love Confessions, M/M, Minor AU, Mutual Pining, PTSD, Past Substance Abuse, Post Civil War, Pro Everyone
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-09
Updated: 2017-02-17
Packaged: 2018-08-13 22:10:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 18,542
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7987939
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShyOwl/pseuds/ShyOwl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“You broke me.”</p><p>And there it was. The brutal truth that haunted Tony since the Accords reared their ugly head and Steve refused trust him with any of it.</p><p>“I feel like I broke a lot of things.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> A sort of "aftermath" fix-it to Civil War. The movie was great as a movie...but there was so much about it that made me mad in terms of the MCU. I feel like it was unfair to Tony and Steve and just wanted to scream at what they did to their characters. I, truthfully, sort of deny what happened in Civil War (because Steve wouldn't DO THAT) as part of canon but I also really want to try and fix it. So this is sort of my attempt at that.

Air from Tony’s lungs whooshed out of him painfully.

It was done. It was finally done.

After two years of fights, heartbreaks, wars, and apologies the Maria Accords were written, approved, signed, and he was now Director Stark; leader of the Avengers and the reforming S.H.I.E.L.D. It felt like a victory, he supposed. It certainly was a time of complete change and growth. And he was at the center of it.

Tony was in his new office at the Avenger Compound, one of many he owned as the Director, staring at empty space after hanging up from his final professional congratulatory conference call. His mind was in a numbed whirlwind. It was still difficult to absorb that this was all his. Everything had changed and even his insecurities refused to let him put this change on someone else. He was one of the main factors of everything. Him. The Director. He was in the top spot of power, had started the new Reform which was receiving positive reviews from everyone, and was decked out in a hot-looking suit with the new emblem on his shoulder that showed off his looks quite well. It was premium material. Gorgeous really. Perfect. Like everything else. 

He was about to vomit.

“Oh, oh God.” Tony whispered as he pressed his scruffy face into his hands. He could feel his whole palms trembling and they were layered in a sheen of sweat. “I’m fine. It’s fine. It’s good. I’m wonderful. I’m awesome.”

“Of course you are.” A voice laughed from the door. 

Tony jumped up in a panic, his heart leapt into his throat, and he nearly had the gauntlet around his hand before he saw who caused his heartattack. He glared at Steve who was giggling from the hall-entrance. "I nearly vaporized you."

“Sorry," his laughter soften and he held up his hands in surrender. "FRIDAY let me in. I knocked but I guess you were too deep into your mantra.” Steve slowly approached the desk. His eyes were focused on Tony. He didn’t seem to take mind the new Accords, the plethora of letters of gratitude, the awards, and the endless mechanical mess in one corner that Tony had to have or else it would not be a comfortable space. Tony found he wasn't much aware of them either. Steve took over the whole room with his glowing face, tall form, and warmth. “You ok?”

“Of course!" An easy going smirk went on his face and he worried it twitched too much. "Plenty ok. All ok. You heard me. I’m awesome. I’m here as the new Director. I’m the supreme leader. All great.” Tony laughed. It sounded a little too high pitched and crackling. "Wanna bow down to me? Would totally be ok with that. Well not really cause how bitch is that? You really don't have to. Though you can, cause it is a bit hot."

“Tony, calm down.” Steve hushed gently. “You are perfect.”

The genius stopped instantly and looked taken aback while heat rushed to his cheeks. He wanted to curse Steve for still holding such power over him. It burned his insides as well as made him melt into helpless goo. He now had the power over everything and it felt bitter and wrong for someone, for _Steve_ , to have Tony simpering at the movement of his pinky. “Well," he cleared his throat, "so happy you finally got with the program. Now I just need to get Nat to admit she wants to marry me and I have the whole set.”

“Guess it took me far too long to admit.” Steve smiled as he finally arrived at the desk. He tilted a brow in question.

Tony nodded and watched as the taller man take a seat in front of him. The desk between them felt too great and too small at the same time. They hadn’t had much time alone shared since the fight in Siberia. Besides occasional political, war, or Avenger discussions the two of them hadn’t shared a one-on-one conversation at all now that he thought about it.

He gulped weakly and the need to vomit returned.

Something in Steve’s tone and posture made Tony believe this wasn’t another Avenger-focus-talk. He could feel something uncomfortable itch inside his stomach and chest. He didn’t bother probing. Steve would get to it soon enough. Sadly. Tony wasn't sure he wanted to face something that looked promising as an emotional hurricane. He really just wanted to go hide in his private penthouse, drink some fine imported wine King T'Challa sent as a gift, and drown his thoughts in AC/DC and robotics.

“You’re perfect. Far better than Captain America.” Steve smiled. “You’re going to run the Avengers right.”

“Excuse me? Far better than _you_?” Tony dramatically cupped his ear. “Did I hear that correctly?”

“Yes.” Steve’s smile was genuine and kind but tired. “You see everything for what it is. I still have a soldier’s hopeful view. I’m too old-fashion and narrow-minded. You can run it fairly as a business and, more importantly, as a family that will do right for the people. You’re the best that has come out of this team. So you're the best to run it.”

Tony blinked and his hand fell back to his side limply. “Bwha?”

“Sorry, I guess I really don’t say that enough. Or ever.” He looked ashamed and his nails dragged over his jeans twice before he hid his hand and nerves away. “I wanted to tell you this. To let you know you have everyone’s support and approval. We know you’re the best choice for all of this. But we also know that you don't see how great you are. Just talk to us if you need anything, ok? Even if it's a reminder that you are, well, perfect.”

Tony wasn’t sure if he was nodding or not. He was, however, quite positive he was choking on nothing . “Those are some pretty intense…uh…compliments.” 

Steve shrugged. “They’re the truth though. This was the right choice. I'm happy it’s you.”

“Oh, well. Uh, thanks, Cap.” He wasn’t sure how he should feel. Maybe he was just too tired from the day for it to really click within him that he was finally getting sweet words from Steve. The exhaustion made him look down at the stack of his copy of the Maria Accords and he off-handedly wondered what he was supposed to do with them. Frame it? That would be one big-ass frame. Wouldn't that be too tacky? But throwing it in a desk-drawer felt sort of rude but he was all for being rude. But this thing had his mom's name on it...and he was panicking and thinking of the wrong things again.

Steve followed his line of sight and sighed. It fell quiet between the two of them for what was probably three minutes. Tony had no idea what to say. Should he press for Steve to open up and get on with whatever he needed to lecture about? Use his godly power and order the blond to leave or strip, and oh that sounded nice, or something?

“We were both right and both wrong about the original Accords.” Steve finally said. It was not the words Tony really wanted to hear. “But I was wrong about everything else. I should’ve told you.”

Tony closed his eyes and took a moment to let the painful impact wash through him. They’ve shared this conversation before but on the adrenaline of battle approaching. A new enemy and threat made their previous fights seem petty. 

In the quiet peace it no longer felt petty.

“Why didn’t you?”

“I don’t know.” Steve said shaking his head. There was a lost look on his face. It was not an expression Tony saw often. “I mean, I do and I don’t know. When I found out what Bucky did…I froze. I felt absolute panic crawl up me. It…it almost felt like when I crashed. Like I was drowning and I was alone and I had no idea what to do. How do I tell Tony Stark, my amazing Tony Stark, that my best friend and life-saver, the one who died because of me, took _everything_ from him?”

Steve closed his eyes and leaned back on the chair. It squeaked and it shattered aggravatingly against Tony's bones. “I practiced telling you thousands of times." He sighed. "You know, back…well, back,” he shrugged unsure how to completely describe back in his time. “I went to two homes, just two, to tell them their loved ones weren’t coming back. A sort of patriotic training for the new Captain America.” He laughed and it sounded brittle. “It was one of the worst experiences I have of the war. I didn’t do it right. I didn’t know…don’t know how to do it. I couldn’t learn from them. How do I tell you, Tony?”

Tony couldn’t answer. He had dreamt of what happened many times and imagined things Steve could've said, done, instead and he never liked any of them. No matter how gentle dream-Steve said the news it always sounded like a heart break.

“I destroyed you and Bucky. I never wanted to pick.” He laughed a bit more. “I should’ve told you and you would’ve understood. Instead, I waited out in some sort of…of childish, selfish fear and you found out another way. It was unfair to you.”

“It…it was.” God was it ever unfair. He had to watch his parents die: to see his father’s face get crunched in and his mother, crying softly, suffocated to the point her neck broke. He watched it all in a place of horrors, from a madman, with the murderer three feet to his right. And then to see Steve, his Steve, and to know… “Fuck, it was so unfair.”

“I can never tell you sorry enough for what I did.”

“I was your friend.” Tony’s voice felt hoarse but powerful in the silent office.

“Which is one reason I couldn’t have you kill him. That would’ve destroyed you. Once that anger subsided and you realized you killed a tortured, brainwashed man…you carry your guilt so deeply. I have no idea how you would look at yourself after that.”

Hard to disagree. Now, he could look back and see that Steve was right in preventing Bucky’s murder. Because it would’ve been murder. Unlike all the people he simply couldn’t save or were lost due to his actions of heroism this would’ve been him out for slaughter. He had wanted to cause pain and not save a life. Had he succeeded it very well could’ve sent him back spiraling in his binge drinking and drugs.

But that wasn’t enough. Steve hadn’t just prevented Tony from killing a man. Steve had completely sided with Bucky. If anyone could’ve found a middle ground it would’ve been Steve. But he didn’t. And that haunted him.

“But I was your friend too.” Tony tried again, hoping to finally show how deep the betrayal went.

“Not,” Steve licked his lips and he fidgeted. “Not in the same way. You were—are something, well, someone different.”

“Different?” The word smacked its ugly face into his chest and he felt something red spike inside of him. “Oh, I see. _Different_.” Tony spat the world out like bile. “Not an ol’ war buddy. Not someone who’s shared hardships with you. Not anyone special like that, huh? Oh,” He tapped his chin. “Oh wait.”

“I didn’t,” Steve had a startled look on his face. “Sorry that…that wasn’t what I mean. I…no, not that different. Just...just not...just not the same?”

Tony kept his glare up. “You’re not explaining jack-shit. You left me in a frozen wasteland. You beat me bloody after protecting my parents’ murderer. Screw the Accords. You chose Bucky over me.”

Steve said nothing but nodded.

“And you’re saying I’m different like it’s supposed to make me feel wonderful and warm. All it says is I’m not worth it to you.”

“It wasn’t supposed to come out that way.”

“You broke me.”

And there it was. The brutal truth that has haunted Tony since the Accords reared their ugly head and Steve refused to trust him with any of it.

“I feel like I broke a lot of things.” Steve looked at him mournfully. “I didn’t know what else to do. What else could I have done?” The words sounded condescending but the tone carried something heavy. Like he really wanted the answers he still couldn't provide. Like he was as haunted as Tony was about the whole ordeal.

“You should’ve,” Tony bit his lip when he realized he was starting to scream. “Should’ve done something for me. Something. _Anything_.”

“Yeah, I should’ve.” He nodded stiffly in agreement and defeat. Tony almost wished the stubborn man offered up a rebuttal. If Steve would just come off prideful and 'I'm always in the right' an argument could start and things could just be heated and easy. Tony could win that way. Maybe he could even find a way to be free of Steve and this disgusting love-sick power he had over him. This acceptance and apologetic tone grated on Tony's nerves. It wasn't fair. “I wish I had. God. I wish it. But I can’t. But you deserve more than that. More than a whoops, sorry there bub, followed by a winded speech of friendship and second-chances.”

“Damn fucking straight I do.” Tony snarled out.

Steve stared at him in surprise before smiling. “Thank God to hear that.”

“Don’t smile at me.” Tony hissed. Steve’s smile could melt anything, even Tony’s anger and bitterness. He wanted those to last. He deserved to have them last.

“Sorry.” His smile fell and Tony loathed admitting he missed it already. “It’s just…it’s great to hear you talk about yourself that way. Where you’re treating yourself like Tony and not a Stark.”

“You certainly didn’t help with that.”

“No.” Steve’s eyes filled with pain. “I didn’t. I’m sorry I haven’t been what you deserve.”

It wasn’t enough. Things were far too calm after everything. Tony felt like raving and hurting but Steve...the damned man was in pain, clearly, but he was holding himself together too well. He was still in control, still mature, still too in-human and untouchable. Tony wanted to see the super solider suffer. To show emotions other than stoic maturity or fierce stubbornness. 

He wanted Steve to properly break.

“I hate you." Tony wasn't sure he ever said a lie and a truth in the same breath before. "I fucking hate every inch of you. What you did to me. What you stand for. You being a hypocritical goodie-two-shoes for your own fucking benefit.” Now it felt more of a lie then anything else, but he didn't care. He deserved to say all of this, whether it was true or not, and he was going to finally get it out of him. " _I hate you._ " 

It was silent and for a brief, glorious second Tony felt a swell of glee fill him when Steve’s face crumbled. Those blue eyes looked so broken and hurt. There was agony there and loneliness. Things Tony was very familiar with but then they were guarded again. Those large shoulders squared and his back straight. Those lips (god, Tony loved those lips), which had begun to tremble, thinned tightly.

Instantly the glee left him and he fell back into his chair weakly. “Do you ever cry?”

“I try not to.”

“Have to be brave and strong. The best. The Captain.”

“I guess.” Steve was still locked in his stiff posture. “I just don’t feel like I deserve it, you know?” He gave off a meek, one-sided shrug.

More anger deflated from Tony and it left him feeling empty and sick. Those hateful words now felt sour and foul on his tongue and his throat burned. If he wasn't careful he'd be the one weeping and that was the last thing he wanted. “Why not?”

“Maybe another day, Tony. This is about you right now.”

“Yeah.” His brown eyes went back to the Accords. “Me. Director Stark.”

“The best thing to happen to the world.”

“Flattery will get you no where.”

“Can’t help but make an attempt. I know you like it.” Steve’s lips quirked but quickly fell back down remembering Tony’s earlier orders. “It came out wrong. Before. Well everything did but I mean in this conversation. About you being different. I want you different than Bucky.”

“Steve.” Tony groaned. “Let’s just drop it. I don’t have the energy any more. This is just spiraling and getting worse.”

“You deserve to know. You’re not less.”

“This pity is grating on my nerves, Cap. Drop. It.”

“Tony, please. You need to know that you’re more. You’re so much more.” Steve tried as he plowed through Tony’s orders.

“Rogers!” Tony was on his feet, fed up with all of it. He didn’t want to hear Steve try and claw his way out of this. He didn’t want to be compared to the Great Bucky Barnes. The Great Barnes who won. Who had the most amazing man who fawned over him. He already had to deal with them sharing doe-eyes and soft conversations at all times. He already had to deal with this pit inside of him growing more and more each day. Something so dark and hateful and dangerous. 

He knew Bucky suffered but that rarely bothered him. Not when all he wanted to do was to wrap his fingers around the Winter Soldier’s throat and crush.

God, what was happening to him? This wasn't the person he wanted to be. This bitter, jealous monster who just wanted to devour and finally get something he knew he deserved.

“This is an order from your Director. You will shut your fucking mouth and leave my office. NOW.”

“Tony--” Steve was at his feet as well.

“Shut up, Steve!”

“I’m in love with you.” Steve gasped out. 

The angry words were knocked from Tony’s chest and he looked dumbly at the younger man. “What?”

“I…” His fists clenched tightly. Those big blue eyes looked misty and his cheeks were red. “I…didn’t want it to come out so…so lamely. I was…I’ve wanted to tell you right. I didn’t…” Steve took a sharp breath and worked hard to keep his eyes straight on Tony’s. “I’m sorry. I had wanted to tell you years ago.”

The sentence bounced around Tony’s unusually sluggish mind. “Years?”

Steve bravely kept looking at him but Tony could tell he was terrified. “I’ve liked you since we first met. You aggravated me and kept me distracted from everything. You reminded me of my lost life but helped include me in the new one. You know, after that first week we met I always thought of you. Angrily, to be honest, but almost all the time. I would think of arguments and how I could win one. Just one. Things I should do to get your attention. Things to make you angry, because it wasn't fair that you could get to me so easily but you could always shrug me off.” He shrugged as if the confession didn't hurt. “I also wanted you safer. I was really worried about you. Am really worried about you. All the time. You're not a soldier or a god or a spy. You decided to you were going to be a hero after no training. It terrified me.”

Tony found he could no longer remember how to produce words.

“After what you did in New York, I just…I was stunned and still so angry. You were…you were all I had Tony. I know it’s selfish of me. But being in this time period, it still scares me. Some days I wake up and I think I’m in my beat-up flat I used to share with mum or in the barracks. Losing you would’ve thrown me off. I didn’t want to lose you.” Steve took a few steps back as if he were getting ready to bolt should his steely courage somehow fail him. “I realized though we’d only known each other such a short time I couldn’t lose you. And not cause of your father but because of you...just being you.”

Steve’s fingers were nervously twisting his shirt. Tony noticed his hands and knees were shaking. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d seen Steve look like this. He’d always face anything (monsters, villains, technology) with a brave, steady poise. This was a new Steve for Tony.

“I just kept thinking of you afterwards and things we talked about during the invasion. What happened before, when you disappeared…when we thought you might be…” Steve cleared his throat. “I tried to get back to you at the time. I was looking for you…but-but I-I couldn’t…” His voice cracked. “You asked if I’ve cried. Well, I may have been inconsolable when you reappeared alive.”

Tony’s own throat felt like it was closing up. “Steve.”

“I was in a panic about you during Hydra’s rise and I knew you were going to be on their list of people to take out. If I didn’t get that Helicarrier down…you may be dead.” Steve swallowed thickly. “I was going to tell you afterwards. I was going to practice and make the confession right. Because…God, I can’t give you anything. I’m not much except for,” he motioned to his toned body. “This. And it’s fake. I got it through experimental testing. What you said was true. I am made of nothing except lies and a bottle of science. So I at least wanted to give you a love confession you could remember.”

He was about to pass out. Tony was roughly 78% sure he was about to lose vision and strength and crumble to the floor in an unflattering lump.

“I-I made sure to get Pepper’s permission first. I called her after you both were healed from the Mandarin.” Steve explained, looking panicked. “I told her I wouldn’t interfere but--”

“You told my then-girlfriend you were in love with me?”

“O-Of course!" He almost sounded incredulous, as if he'd never consider any other option but to be polite and ask permission. "You two were together. I wasn’t going to break you up. You were…were so happy with her. I just wanted you to know how I feel. But, things changed.” Steve’s face sagged. “Bucky happened. I went through his files Natasha pulled for me. What Hyrda did to him and how it was all because I couldn’t keep a hand on him.” Tears were starting to pool in his eyes. Captain America was now officially crying. “And because of that he killed your parents. I killed your parents because I was a terrible leader.”

What was Tony supposed to say? Deep down it felt like he should deny all of this. Steve didn’t kill his parents. The blond had no idea what his blood and body meant to the science community or that people would kill to make more of him. Steve wasn’t “alive” when Barnes killed his family. 

But Tony wouldn’t say anything. He still wanted to see Steve squirm. He wanted to feel elevated. He deserved all of this; to finally have someone remove responsibility and say it was their fault, not Tony’s.

Even if it was the wrong man saying it, Tony just wanted to hear it so badly.

“I wanted to find Bucky. I wanted to get information and, yes, protect him. I wanted to find a way to have you both.” He looked away and stuffed his hands in his pockets after quickly wiping his eyes to play off nothing teary had passed his face. “Then we were stuck with Ultron and I screwed that up as well. I was so angry at keeping a secret from you and you me that…I came off as a nagging ass, huh?”

“If I’m honest, I primarily remember you breaking a log with your bare hands and those,” he pointed to Steve’s chest, “bounce.”

Steve blushed and pulled his jacket around himself self-consciously. “I deserved that.”

“I think the world deserves to see them bounce, but I’m a possessive-sort and happy I’m the one who saw it.”

Steve frowned in confusion. He didn’t get it. And even in Tony’s presently panicking mind he could appreciate how cute that was.

“I just wanted you safe. That always came first. But that...that made me angry at myself. I'm a solider, I'm Captain America...I-I'm...I-I'm not allowed to have favorites. But I wanted to." He rubbed his hands over his face. They were trembling terribly. "Then the Accords happened and I still…I still just couldn’t figure out how to talk to you. I was just, look I still think there was something off about those Accords, and I can’t regret that choice. I’d have to make it again if that came up. But I know I don’t because of you…but yeah, ok, I’m babbling. Sorry." 

Steve paused to wince and re-collect his thoughts. He was incredibly flustered and his ears were now pink. "The point is I messed up with you. I kept messing up with you. I just wanted to make you safe and happy but I had no idea how to do it. You had no idea how much I adore you because I’m an ass and I’ve never done romance well. I get prickly when people get too close. I was terrified what loving you aloud would mean. And I was selfish because I didn’t want to chose between you and Bucky which then left me…left me being downright monstrous to you.”

Steve was panting and panicking. “I’m so sorry, Tony. I am so, so sorry for everything. But I had to let you know that there is someone who adores you. That you’re not wrong, unlovable, less or anything like that…you just got the sad hand of having someone who _is_ have feelings for you. You deserve better than me. Someone who can really talk to you and handle things and be a better friend. I know you can find someone better easily and a part of me hopes you do. For you to, for once, get something you really deserve. But, yeah, I just…I just needed you to know.”

Both looked at each other once Steve stopped and almost simultaneously took a small step from each other.

“I…no," Tony shook his head. He needed to breathe and think. Too much was happening too quickly. He just needed Steve to back up a bit and let him think. Of all the things he had expected to hear that day it was not this. "No, this...I can't..."

Steve's body shuddered and a horrified and terrible expression fell over his face. “Sorry. That was the last thing you needed to hear. Sorry. I’ll just,” he was backing up and bumped awkwardly against the door. “God. Sorry. So…God, sorry.” 

He left quickly and Tony was alone in the office, staring at the closed door. 

“W-Wait, no—no wait. Steve.” His voice was tiny. “Steve. Steve?” But he was gone. 

“Oh, God.” He tried to move. Why couldn’t he move?

“Steve!” His voice cracked and was still weak and silent. His knees finally gave way and he slid under his desk.

He got what he wanted. The expression Steve left with belonged to a broken man.

He’d just rejected Steve Rogers. He just told the love of his life “I hate you”. 

Tony buried his face into his hands.

Some brave, new Director.


	2. Chapter 2

“Mr. Rogers hasn’t returned from his midnight stroll.” FRIDAY informed the next morning when Tony finally pulled his stiff-joints out from the desk. 

“Oh,” He rubbed his shoulders and groaned when he felt one pop. After a long, childish cry Tony felt rejuvenated. Granted, there was still a lot of hate and pain and fear left in him and he wanted to talk it out with Steve but there was something light to him now. 

Steve apologized. He had finally told Tony what happened. He finally showed Tony more of him. Steve had given Tony a breathtaking, heart-stopping, and rather heartbreaking love-confession. 

Power was finally back in Tony’s hands and he felt like he could now do something good with it.

There was so much to settle and smooth out. It was not going to be easy but Steve had finally let go of some of his strength, stubbornness, and control and was letting Tony do what Tony wanted.

And even after everything Tony desperately wanted Steve.

Now, all he wanted to do was to go to Steve’s room and tell give him a love-confession for the history books too. To sweep him off his feet, finally get the man to cry properly, talk, and maybe see a bed by the end of the day. No complaining from Tony if the last one didn’t make it into the agenda but by god, he was going to aim for it. This was the start of his happily-ever-after and he’d be damned if he let the chance slip through his fingers.

Steve was throwing a wrench in this plan seeing as he was not around to swoon.

“Of course.” Tony groaned. It was no surprise. He sort of rejected the man. Yesterday had been a hellhole of emotions. Steve would’ve needed his own space to work things out. He was almost as bad as Tony in facing emotions. Still, Tony just wished that Steve was back already so they could hopefully get to the well deserved Disney-moment.

“Go on and rest, sir. I will inform you once Mr. Rogers returns.”

Honestly, Tony was tempted to just wait and mope outside Steve’s door like a puppy until he came back. Though he wasn’t going to run from returning Steve’s feelings it would be nice to get it over with while he felt mildly high on adrenaline and sleep. Already he could feel his groove seep out of him.

Or maybe that was B.O.

“Ick. Yeah, shower, shave, and teeth-brush. Good thinking.” He really couldn’t handle another emotional onslaught and not look impeccable. Maybe he should consider changing into jeans and his Bruce-Lee top to make things just a little more comfortable…a little more him.

Steve clearly needed (and clearly loved) Tony, not the Director. And Tony was more than happy to give that to him.

The halls of the compound were empty. It felt like no one had filled up the space in hours. It would not surprise him in the least if the group sensed what happened and was giving him personal room.

The emptiness was appreciated as he made it back to his quiet space of his bedroom without any interruptions. The smell of fresh sheets, robotic oil that trailed after him wherever he went, and popcorn he had snuck into bed the previous night (that was without a doubt stale if there were any left) was comforting. True, it wasn’t how Steve smelled, which always made Tony’s stomach flip flop, but it was comforting and a reminder that he was in a safe space.

He was allowed to breathe.

Wasting no time, he discarded himself of his suit, kicking the pants in some direction, and made his way into his bathroom for a hot shower to help his stiff muscles and head that was clogged from crying.

He lathered and scrubbed, enjoying the steam rising and filling the room, and off-handedly wondered if he should consider a hair-cut again. It had grown out where it needed slicked back constantly. Maybe he could go back to spiky. Would that look be too immature for a Director? Or was he denying his age with it? He was over forty, slowly inching to fifty, was it too young?

“Fuck I care?” He rubbed the back of his neck, rather pleased his mind was providing him with useless dribble to think about. Thinking more on Steve may cause emotional and physical issues he did not want to deal with just yet. Fantasizing over the beautiful blond while naked in the shower just felt a little to risky on something coming to full staff.

‘Of course, even with all of this I can still get it up.’ He shook his head, water droplets falling down his head and rolling down the muscles of his back. ‘Guess I’m not that old. But, no dick, no. We’re not going to face Steve, to _confess_ to him, after masturbating to him. Let’s try to be somewhat romantic today.’

Even with the scolds and resisting the temptation of being naughty, it took him longer than he intended in the bathroom but he came out refreshed and with a better head than when he woke up.

“FRIDAY?” He asked as he toweled himself off and went to the mirror to shave and brush his teeth.

“Still no Mr. Rogers.”

“How long was I in the shower?”

“About an hour. It is now 9:12 am. Mr. Rogers has been gone for nearly ten hours.”

He frowned. “You tracking him?”

“Yes, sir.”

Tony waited then urged, “ _And_? Where is he?”

“I cannot tell you that. Under your protocol you ensured that none of the Avengers’ whereabouts would be known unless it is an emergency to ensure their privacy. He is nearby, and safe from my gathering, only about twenty-minutes distances out.”

Now Tony epically sulked, “I still think I can override that and be the one to always know.”

“You warned me not to let you do that so your, ah, how did you put it?” Her voice changed to a recording of himself saying; _“Look, FRIDAY, we both know I have a little…issue with trust and may be, for lack of a better word, possessive. So, let’s not let me get ahead of myself with my little habit of mantra-ing_ mine, mine, mine, _ok? I know too much and I tend to be just an itsy-bitsy bit controlling. Capiche?”_

“Ugh, I used capiche? Lame.” He crossed his arms to pout. “Ok, fair enough. But can’t I know where Steve is now?”

“Is it an emergency?”

“Of course! We need to confess our love for one another so all the drama can finally ease up.”

“You did not program that into the Emergency File, so I’m afraid I will have to keep you at arms length, so to speak, from this.”

“It so is an emergency.”

“You’d want to stay indoors, anyway sir. It has started to rain. And you would rather confess your love in your own territory where you are comfortable. Not out where Mr. Rogers is.”

“He’s going to get soaked!”

“Because of his serum his chances of catching a cold are 12-precent. Not enough to warrant as an emergency.”

“What about kidnapped? You know how many people are gonna stalk him after seeing him in a wet t-shirt? We can’t have that! I can feel my possessiveness starting to brew. _Brew_ , FRIDAY!”

“He won’t have much interaction with people in this weather. The chances of him getting kidnapped are only a 39-precent. Still does not qualify as an emergency.” For a computer she sounded very amused at the fact she could deny him with this. Why did he give all his creations some form of AI and some form of sass? 

“What about avoiding a Tony-Tantrum?”

“Almost an emergency but not quite. And if you throw a tantrum I am to call Ms. Potts to straighten you out. _Not_ Mr. Rogers.”

Tony cursed and threw his hands up in the air. “Fine, fine.” He turned back to finish up his routine. His beard only needed minor grooming and he made sure he took all the time necessary to make sure his breath was as fresh and kissable as possible. 

Finally finding it too chilly to remain naked he quickly dressed in his casual garb and found himself fidgeting again. He must’ve used up another fifteen minutes getting ready…plenty of time for an update. “Steve?”

“Still not back.”

His shoulders started to stoop. It hadn’t been that long since the rejection, he supposed, but it made his empty stomach fill up with nervous bile. It was growing harder to find a sense of humor within the mess. His arc was giving him heartburn and the headache he thought he escaped was starting to come back.

“Shit,” he buried his hands in his hair, ready to pull in aggravation. “Just focus. Just focus. It will be fine. I’ll make it fine. We’ll be ok.” He wasn’t aware he was pacing till his knee smashed against his dresser. “ _Fuck_!”

“Tony. Mr. Barnes is outside. He wishes to see you.”

“What?” Tony was bouncing on one foot as he nursed his throbbing knee. “Wait, _Barnes_?”

“Yes sir.”

“Oh.” He bit his lip and stared at the door, trying to will the man away. Bucky Barnes was not the man Tony had any desire to speak to, especially not now that he was trying to get Steve completely on his side. 

Tony had done his best to avoid Bucky to the best of his abilities since the Avengers found their way back together. He did not act cruel to the man, cold was another story, but he could never be sure how well his temper would hold whenever they were in close proximity.

Giving his knee a final rub and shake out, Tony inhaled and nodded. “Fine. Whatever. But the moment Steve is back you still tell me and he gets out of my air.”

“As you wish.”

His fingers were stiff and shaky as he opened the door to face the man. He hated how every bone in his body felt ready to bristle out with quills. It grew worse when his eyes locked with dark, sad blue and it took all of Tony’s will power not to slam the door and go hide under his bed while he suffered an anxiety fit.

“Barnes.” He was proud it sounded steady.

“Stark.” Bucky nodded back in greeting.

“What can I do for you? I’m a bit busy at the moment.”

“Sure you are.” He said in his flat tone that Tony could never tell was serious or sarcastic. “I’m jut here to ask about Stevie.”

“ _Stevie_.” Tony repeated, his own tone flat and dripping with venom. “I’m not sure where he is. But we have things to talk about when he gets back, so I’ll be needing to see him before _you_.”

“I bet you do. He was pretty beat up when he left.”

“You saw him leave?” Instantly Tony’s anger was replaced by a desperate need of knowledge. “Do you know where he went? Has he contacted you?”

“No,” he held up his hands to show he was empty of what Tony needed to know. “I don’t know where he went, only that he went out. We got this pact thing going. I promised him I wouldn’t leave without telling him and he would do the same. Helps our minds or something. Or maybe we’re just more co-dependent than we’d like to admit.” He shrugged. “But I just wanted to see if you knew what was going on with him.”

Tony chewed the inside of his cheek, “What do you mean beat up?”

“He ran out of here lookin close to tears.” Bucky said. He carried no accusation in his tone but there was a needed curiosity. “What happened?”

Tony’s defenses shot up, as they always did around Bucky. He took a few breaths to grind his teeth and count back from ten. He wanted information on Steve too and it was only fair he shared something with the best friend. “We just talked about things.”

“Looked like it was an argument.” Bucky pressed his back against the wall and continued his unblinking stare at Tony. “I’d like to know what happened.”

What happened was personal and his. Tony did not want to share anything with the assassin. His knuckles cracked as he clenched his fist, something Bucky took notice of but did not say anything about, and inhaled again.

“If it’s that personal you don’t have to say. I just wanted to check on you both.”

“How do you even know it has anything to do with me?”

“I had a feeling. Recently anything remotely emotional is connected to you.” 

Tony tried not to feel insulted about that. He now understood why things were so emotional between them, but it was still upsetting to know he took part in the turmoil. ‘Think of this as training. Emotional training. I need all that I can with that, right? Just fucking miserable training.’

“He told me what happened in Siberia and then it got emotional and I may have acted out.”

“Ah,” Bucky nodded in understanding. “He confessed to you.”

A choked sound came out of his mouth and he blinked in surprise. “You _knew_?”

“Of course.” Bucky shrugged again. “Steve and I hide little. We don’t even talk about things, really, we just sort of know. Guess it’s how he knew I was still in here,” he tapped his head, “and I knew of his feelings the moment you walked in Siberia. His words, body language…” He trailed off but it told Tony enough.

“Oh.”

“You rejected him?”

Tony winced. “Unintentionally.”

“Really?” Bucky’s eyebrows rose. “I’d thought it’d be on purpose. He screwed up.”

A familiar anger and protectiveness rushed through Tony and he snapped, “Protecting _you_.”

“A mistake. I don’t want to sound like a pitiful broken record, but it’s true. Steve had everything right going with you lot and he gave it up to rescue me.”

“The Accords--”

“Were written by a fucked up government if they were ready to shoot me without a trial but were right. Steve knew that. He just didn’t trust those who wrote it. Had you wrote it and included him from the start he’d be all for it.” Bucky waved off the excuse. “The whole break-up of the team was because of me. The Accords could’ve been settled once you two talked.”

Tony scowled. “Guess Steve had little choice when you were being framed right in front of his face.” 

“He should’ve handled it differently.”

“You would’ve died.”

“At that moment in time I probably would’ve welcomed it.” Bucky stated it so nonchalantly that Tony flinched. “Just how things were. It was a bad place. I’ve just never figured out why Steve would risk his new life with a good family, with you, because of me.”

“Because he loves you.” Tony said it so hatefully it took him by surprise.

“As a friend, Stark. Nothing more. Also because he was guilty. I was under his command. I slipped through his fingers. He carries guilt worse than most. He just hides it real well.”

Tony understood the feeling of carrying the burden of guilt. It could make a person do insane, foolish things for what they believed was right. His stiff shoulders started to ease up as what Steve went through finally clicked in. How, in the moment his dead friend returned after being forced to re-consider everything he believed in, Steve reacted like a scared, confused child who had no idea who to lean on.

Stubborn, yes, but not with a shallow intent to hurt. Just unintentionally influenced by insecurities and guilt. Remembering Ultron and how desperate Tony had been to not have blood on his hands…it was hard to fight against.

Tony had already begun to forgive Steve, but this thought made it a bit easier.

“So you’re going to take him back?”

“Yes.” Tony said without a pause. 

Bucky looked impressed. “Nothing to it?”

“Other than forcing the stubborn brat to actually communicate, no. Steve wasn’t acting out of something cruel. I tend to forget his age and how scary things must be for him. He found out you were alive after he thinks he helped in your death and then found out you killed my parents. I could see myself freaking out if our situations were switched.”

“He wanted to tell you.” Bucky urged. “He did. He just…you know him. He’s all second chances and honor. He wanted me to be around to confess and defend myself. All old fashion American system.”

Tony smiled to himself, “He can be so naïve in that regard.”

“More like stupid. I think he wanted you to like me before he told you. He was selfish, for the first time in his stupid life, in that he wanted us both. He wanted his best friend and his…well,” he motioned to all of Tony, “you.”

“It’s going to take a lot of Aspirin to get him to see his one mistake can be turned around and he’s still allowed to be selfish from time to time.” But Tony was looking forward to helping Steve out with that. Learning to live after a mistake could be even harder than admitting it.

It grew quiet as Bucky took a step back as if to look him over. It brought Tony’s walls back into life. “What is that look for?”

“You’re good for’im.” 

Instantly all of Tony’s fight deflated. “What?”

“You’re good for’im. Steve. You’re making him happy.”

“I…well, not enough. Not yet.”

“But you will. And I know he’ll do the same for you if he’s given the second chance.”

“Hard not to since he’s given me so many. He was an idiot, I get it. I’ve done some pretty stupid things myself. But I still love the idiot he is. Still love all that he tries to do for others.” Tony smiled again, “So yes. I will make him happy.”

“Good. Now, this,” he pointed back and forth between Tony and himself. “I get that you hate me and I am sorry for that. I truly am. You never have to let go of that anger and hate. But...he wants me to stay and I don’t want to cause problems between you two.”

The genius took a moment to think about that. It still made something within him nauseated, to think he had to be around Bucky for years to come, but something else enflamed in his stomach and he straightened his back to glare.

“No. No you won’t be a problem. I won’t let you be a problem. Because Steve is _mine_. And I will not let you have him. Nor will I let my insecurities allow you to have him. This thing I have with him…I will not break it and give you chance to come pick up the pieces.”

Bucky nodded slowly as he listened intently.

Tony took that as a good sign and continued on, hoping he didn’t fall into a rant, “And…I don’t…I don’t hate you.”

Now Bucky looked downright shocked, “What?”

“I don’t hate you.” Tony repeated though frowned when he realized he was wrong. “Well, I do. Don’t get me wrong.”

Bucky heeded his warning and nodded for him to continue.

“But not…not for that.” He pointed to Bucky’s metal arm and what it stood for. “That wasn’t you. I don’t hate you for being the Winter Soldier. You’re not the Winter Solider. You never were.” Tony sighed. “That was a group, a company, a belief of evil. Insert any sort of witty, cliché concept here. Whatever. The point of it is that it wasn’t you.” 

Tony’s fingers pinched his arms and the back of his teeth ground together again as he tried to suppress a growl. If he wasn’t careful he would grind them to dust before the conversation was over with. “It would have been wrong of me to kill you at that time. I’m happy Steve stopped me. But,” he glared hotly at the man before him. “I do hate you. I hate that you had to be the one to kill my mom. That you’re so pitiful I _can’t_ hate you. And most of all,” he couldn’t help but hiss it out, “I hate you for Steve.”

Bucky’s brow rose. “For Steve?”

“For him needing to protect you. For him suffering from intense guilt that nearly destroyed him and this team. For him choosing you.” Tony hadn’t realized his voice could sound so spiteful and powerful. “I hate you because you two were together once. That you had him all to yourself. I don’t care about the circumstances or timeline. I hate you for it all.”

“Jealous?”

“Fuck yes, I’m jealous. I’m full of jealousy and rage. And bitterness because I know you’re right: I can never be rid of you because even when, and dammit it is a _when_ , I become the most important thing to Steve you’re still going to be here. He will still need you on some level.” He took a sharp inhale through his nose when he realized he was about to approach the man to sucker-punch him.

Perhaps he could get away with one out of pity, but Tony would rather not risk his fingers on that man’s unfair chiseled, dimpled chin. Instead he approached and pointed a finger at the also unfairly broad chest and snarled, “Just understand this, even though I am willing to repeat it for the rest of my life; Steve is mine. I will not let you take him from me again. You can’t have him.”

It was silent for a good thirty seconds.

Tony’s worried mind tried to catch up with him and his stupidity at challenging a serum-induced assassin but he held his ground. “Understand?”

“Crystal. Impressive threat by the way. I was actually a bit uncertain about my safety for a moment there, Stark.” He said it like a high compliment so Tony accepted it as one. “But, uh, why would I want Steve like that?”

Tony snorted, “Everyone wants to sleep with him.”

“I don’t.”

“Liar.”

“When we were young yeah but…Stark, are you serious?” Bucky’s lips twitched. “I guess you have been quite busy the past few months but I didn’t think you would be _that_ blind.”

Tony glared. “What?”

“I’ve been sleeping with Sam and Natasha for about three months now. We’re in a relationship.”

Tony’s brain must’ve blown a fuse because he found he could do nothing more than blink and sputter out a “What?”

“We haven’t really announced it. But we haven’t made it exactly private. Hell, even oblivious Steve knows. Granted, he walked in on all of us.” He laughed and laughter, Tony found out, looked good on him. Far better than a sad, stoic ghost. “Poor guy.” 

“I…what?”

“Yes, genius. An open relationship. A three-way. Porn-central. Or whatever anyone wants to call it.” 

“Oh my god,” Tony blinked rapidly again as his mind caught up with the conversation. “And virgin-Steve saw you?”

“Yeah. He’s open to things, unless you’re against freedom and goodness or…you,” Bucky smirked, “he doesn’t judge. And we were in the army, so he’s very aware of sex-talk and fantasies. But seeing it? It broke his brain. Stopped the mood too. Sam and Nat felt the need to baby him and I think I nearly puked I was laughing so hard.”

“I…” What on earth does he say to that? All he could produce was, “Steve has always been rather judge-y of me.”

“He tends to act like that about those he cares for the most. I think his brain is trying to turn him into a mom so he nags and worries. But he’s so pathetically awkward with conversation that it comes out snobbier than intended.” Bucky shook his head as if in pity. “He’s just pathetic, really.”

Tony bit his lip and thought, trying not to snigger over what Steve’s face must’ve looked like in that moment, and remembered all the times they had bickered. It always felt like Steve was acting so high and mighty, looking down his nose at Tony from the get-go when that just wasn’t the Steve Tony had come to know and adore.

“Well, he isn’t the only one I guess.” Tony admitted with a wince. “When we first met…he called me Howard in surprise. He apologized for the mix-up and introduced himself, all polite as normal, and he was just so…sweet and eager to meet me because I was a Stark that I lashed out at him. I tend to be rather insulting to those I like.”

“And he responded in kind, then you responded in kind, and there goes the cycle. God, you met and you two were married.”

“If only.” Tony frowned. “No, I can admit it: I started all of it. Steve didn’t know about Howard and what he did to me. God, he had been out of the ice for three days and he was scared and alone and he looked to me for support and I just…panicked and lashed out.” He couldn’t help but wonder how different things would’ve been if he had just been a little more patient and sympathetic. How quickly they could’ve bonded and how so much could’ve been avoided.

Tony scrubbed his face and chided himself. He was trying to stop allowing his guilt to haunt him. To let it control him and force him to be better when, sometimes, that just wasn’t an option. He was so insecure and overwhelmed at the time when he met Steve. Steve had been all coiled with tension and exhaustion too. It wasn’t fair to either of them to hold the other blame for the terrible meeting.

‘Just, just move forward. You are moving forward. You’re talking. Look, you’re talking now! Just focus on that. Fight those walls.’ He warned himself as the deliberating snark he needed to hide behind tried to crawl out his throat. He was on a good, strong roll. He could not let this issue with closeness get to him again.

“Hmm, well, to be fair, Stevie can hold grudges. At least until you apologize. But you two were just feeling each other out and tripping over this newness. It wasn’t fair to either of you. I say blame Fury.”

A surprised laugh escaped Tony’s throat, “Now that I can agree with. When in doubt, blame the pirate.”

“Well, according to Steve and his story of the meeting Fury was the one who pushed for it. He really wanted the Avenger group that he may have over-estimated the both of you handling something shocking without a hand holding.”

Tony stared at the man before him again and frowned. “So what now? I’ve learned about your sex-life, we have shared a manly laugh at the expense of a partially blind man, and we have bonded over the awkwardness of Steve.”

“Well,” Bucky rubbed his bristled chin in thought, “still hate me?”

“Yes.”

“Fair enough.”

“Not as much,” Tony confessed. “Looking at you…it makes something…” he motioned to his chest and pushed his fingers up and around, “I still boil. I still see things that makes me…” his brought his hands up and squeezed his fingers to show what he meant. “All I see is that video or you walking off, arm around Steve and I just…I just want to _strangle_ you.”

“Yeah, yeah that is more than fair.” The former-assassin did not sound too upset by the admittance. “I am sorry about everything. Your parents, stealing Steve, and what happened to the Avengers. I know…I know I couldn’t control everything but I was still the catalyst and still the reason. And I am sorry for all of it.”

“I know you are.” Tony wasn’t ready to forgive and forget, but the air certainly felt cleaner between the two of them. “We’ll…I’ll try to work on it. It will take a while.”

“Take all the time you need.”

Tony nodded and gave him a weak smile to show he appreciated it.

“Here,” Bucky pulled out his phone. “At least let me help you get the wimp to your side.”

Brows furrowed in confusion, “What do you mean?”

“Steve is out roaming the streets like a beaten puppy and probably won’t come back for days, unless he has to. Or I tell him to.” He texted far quicker than Tony expected (Steve still had to use two fingers and many cases of clumsy fingers) and then flipped his phone around like a gunslinger and placed it back in his pocket. “There, he should be back within twenty-minutes at most.”

“What did you tell him?”

“Come back NOW or I’ll start sending threesome videos.”

Tony’s eyebrows rose in interest, “You have videos?”

“Maybe.” 

“Willing to share?”

“Maybe once you and Steve start breaking a bed in I’ll be willing to. Gotta get permission first.”

“Nat?”

“Nat. I mean, I’d get Sam’s permission too…but we both have an understanding we belong to Natasha.” He stopped when his phone buzzed and he pulled it out and read over the message, a smile growing over his lips. “Oh, you haven’t crushed his spirit too much. His reply is, and I quote, _fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you _.” Bucky grinned quite evilly. “But he’s on his way.”__

__“Well, I need to scrub someone’s mouth out with soap. Such language.”_ _

__Bucky snorted over his laughter, “Yeah, he told me about that little slip of the tongue. Hysterical given he has the worst mouth I’ve ever heard. You just gotta get him to drop the pole-up-the-ass awkwardness.”_ _

__“I’ll get him to work on that.” Tony wondered how vocal the blond would be in bed and if he’d lost control over himself enough he’d finally share his infamous sailor-mouth. That was a challenge Tony was eager to try._ _

__“I’ll, well,” Bucky nodded down the hallway. “I’m going to get back to my partners and leave you so you can have time to breathe.”_ _

__“Yeah, well, uh, yeah.” Tony all of a sudden felt awkward. Wow, they really had a long way to go. “Ok. Sounds good.”_ _

__“Oh, Steve is pretty ticklish on the left side of his neck. Right at the jawline. Just for reference. Do whatever you want with that.” Bucky waved and headed down the winding hallway back to his room._ _

__“I’m not going to be in your debt for that, Barnes!”_ _

__“Laaaater, Stark.” Bucky called when he was a safe distances away from gauntlet blasts._ _

__“Prick.” Tony snorted but went on and filed that piece of information away for a future use._ _

__It was silent in the hallway again. Empty and still with a countdown now happening for Steve’s return. There was so much electricity running through his nervous system. He wanted to jump off the walls, hit a bag, build a new suit, and huddle under the blankets of his bed at the same time._ _

__He settled on taking a short walk to the front of the compound. The closer he got to the open-family room with all the open windows the better he heard the pattering of rain. It sounded like it was still pouring and he couldn’t help but worry more about Steve, regardless of his amazing serum of health and perfection._ _

__“Perfect…yeah, sadly he still is.” He muttered and rubbed his arc. His heart was twisting around uncomfortably again at the thought of Steve. “Stupid perfect brat.”_ _

__He stopped and paced for a few minutes._ _

__Steve confessed everything to him. What did he do in return? What should he do? And how the hell was he going to literally sweep the chunk of a man off his feet?_ _

__“Everything sucks.” He sighed drastically as he pressed his back against the wall, smacking his head against it a few times till he realized it was not helping his thought process. Instead, he lowered his neck and closed his eyes._ _

__What was he going to say when Steve returned? What did he do first?_ _

__‘Maybe just take his hand? Ok, yeah, that’s good. He’s going to be pretty skittish after everything. Just got to take it a bit slow. Maybe just start off with forgiving him first. Otherwise, he won’t believe anything else I say.’ He nodded, agreeing with himself. ‘Yeah, yeah. Then take him back to the privacy of one of our rooms, keep him from escaping and tell him.’_ _

__Tony scowled a moment. ‘Just say I love you? But he gave me such an intense one. I want him to cry with happiness. I love you sounds so lame. Maybe a good speech about what he’s done for me. How I want to be a better person than the last day because of him. Ooh, yeah, that sounds good. Start with that, Stark.’_ _

__He used his fingers and tapped an AC/DC song against his thigh._ _

__‘There is that fancy-smancy party next week. Maybe ask him out for that so we can be official.’ The idea of Steve on his arm, surrounded by people spitting with jealousy, as they danced and shared kisses sounded like a dream come true. ‘And since I’d want to make it official, he couldn’t think I was going to take this back.’_ _

__“Sir?”_ _

__‘And maybe a gift! Shit, should I have ordered flowers for this? Or chocolates? Boxing gloves? No, a new bike? Hmm, I hadn’t thought about that. He needs things though! Especially when he gets confessed to. What should I get him?’_ _

__“Sir?”_ _

__‘Ah! What about a trip? Just the two of us. We both need it, desperately. A pre-honeymoon. Now that sounds like an idea. But where? Maybe back to Europe? He needs to visit the place without some dire event happening. Perhaps Amsterdam.’_ _

__“Sir?” Friday called out. “ _Sir_?”_ _

__“Huh? Oh yeah, what? Need something?”_ _

__“I’ve been calling you for three minutes now, sir.”_ _

__“Sorry, my head…just a bit out of it I guess.” He pressed a fist to his head to try and ease the pounding of thoughts. “I’m getting ready. I think. I don’t know. There is just so much in my head. I just…god, where is he? I can’t handle this roller-coaster of emotion.”_ _

__“That is what I am trying to call your attention to, sir. He’s back.”_ _

__“Huh? Who?” Tony said, stupidly._ _

__“Mr. Rogers is back. He’s here.”_ _

__And the moment she finished her sentence the entry-way door opened up and the most beautiful sight came in, soaked to the bone, eyes red, and a sad look on his face. Steve looked taken aback when he caught sight of the equally dumbfounded Tony._ _

__“Oh.” His surprised voice was soft. “Uhm, hi, Tony.”_ _

__“Oh,” Tony nearly squeaked back, just as soft. He swallowed thickly at the sight of the man frozen at the door. “Steve.”_ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally got this updated. I am in such a fluff/humor mood that this was actually a bit of a battle to write. Happily, it has been updated and I hope to have it completed soon! Please enjoy and let me know what you think in the comments! Thank you for taking the time to read :)


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Be warned...this feels fluffy, cliche, and full of angsty/fluffy-ooey-gooey-goodness.

-o-

“Tony,” the man began. He looked to be floundering in what to say and do. Though his face was damp from rain fall, it was clear that tears were still dangling on the edge of his eyes. He twisted his hands nervously and tried his best to keep his eyes on Tony’s but they continued to shift around.

“Tony,” he started again, “sorry…I…sorry.”

In that moment, Tony could see how small and lost Steve could be. How much he needed people, despite how desperate he was to not. How beautiful and necessary he was to Tony’s life.

“Steve.” He repeated again and his never-stopping-brain actually grinded to a halt.

It was all gone. All plans, beautiful words, gifts, mature shared moments, being a patient Director…it just crashed and burned worse than the Hindenburg the moment he saw Steve.

Tony rushed towards the confused man and tackled him. He grabbed his cheeks and hair and shoved their mouths together everything melted off of him. 

‘Finally,’ he thought as he tilted Steve’s head back to get better access inside him. He shoved Steve’s back up against the wall, smiling to himself as he felt the plush ass bounce in shock. He wasted no more time enjoying the thought and continued to press his lips against Steve’s. ‘Fucking finally.’

Using his teeth, he pulled at Steve’s bottom lip while simultaneously tugging unfairly at his blond hair. It earned a broken groan from Steve that went straight down to Tony’s cock. 

He was close to pulling off but thankfully Steve wrapped one arm against Tony’s back and the other hand met up with Tony’s cheek. Pressure from his lips followed suit and Tony could weep; it was so soft and timid, still testing the waters despite the clear sign Tony was giving him with the hair pulling, grinding, and fanatic kissing.

Sadly, even blackbelt kissers like himself needed air sometime and he finally had to pull away. Steve slowly fell to the ground, his knees shaking, and Tony followed after, keeping him pressed to the wall. He gave Steve a few more kisses, switching between his cheeks and jaw to his lips, before he decided now was probably time to talk.

Pulling away was so difficult. He wanted to remain pressed against him forever. But the sight of the flushed, overwhelmed Steve made up for it if just a little.

“Uh, h-hi?” Steve whispered. His cheeks and ears were red, his hair was now a mess, and his lips were wet and puffy. Tony may had been a bit too aggressive and eager. But Steve wore the look quite well.

“Sorry. Hi, yeah, hi. And sorry. Wow, I just attacked you didn’t I?” Tony gave him a crooked grin. “Sorry. I’m still not getting off of you am I? Do I have to?”

“I…uh, no?”

“Good.” And kissed him again.

“W-What are you doing?” Steve asked when Tony’s kisses went from lips to around his face again.

“I know you’re a bit dense with this stuff but I would think it would be obvious that I am kissing you like a starving man.”

“Ok, fair…that was a stupid question. _Why_ are you kissing me?”

“Yet another stupid question. I’m kissing you,” he paused to kiss the top of Steve’s nose, “because I need to. I’m kissing you because,” he nipped at the nose, “I want to. I’ve wanted to for a long time now.” He kissed Steve’s lips again, “Because I love you.”

“Uh.” Steve froze, a combination of shock and horror crossing his face. “No-no…what? _What _?”__

“I _love_ you." It was worth repeating. He could say it every day for the rest of his life. "More than anything. More than I think I have ever loved anything.” Tony squished Steve’s cheeks together, loving how soft they were, and gave a kiss under his eyes to catch the tears that started to gather and fall. “Much like you, I’ve been in love with you for years and never stopped to tell you. I’m kicking my ass for it. I waited too long. But I love you more than anything. I love you.”

“W-What?” Steve repeated as he pushed Tony back. “What? No, no, no. You weren’t supposed to return it… _why_?”

"Steve--”

“I fucked up, Tony. Massively. I did everything wrong. God, even my confession was a screw up. You weren’t supposed to give me anything back. This wasn’t…” He held his head and shook it. “That doesn’t make sense. Please don’t…don’t do this. You _can’t_.”

Tony took his hands and pulled them away just in case Steve was about to hurt himself. “Yes, it does make sense. And yes,” he pulled himself close to Steve’s face, practically straddling his thighs. “Yes I can.”

“No, it doesn’t. You know it doesn’t. This isn’t right for you.”

“On some level, maybe,” he shrugged. “All of this was still recent and still burns, but Steve you’re _not_ a bad person. You aren’t this cruel monster who destroyed my life. Ok?”

“How can you possibly think I’m not? I…I hurt you.”

“And I’ve hurt you, but you apparently are more than willing to care for me despite that. And because I’ve seen you, experienced you, outside of that one moment. I’ve had time to think about what happened and why. I’ve been able to for some time. I know I told you that I hated you, but it wasn’t true. I hated what you did, but I don’t hate you. Every move you make is an attempt to make sure it’s for the benefit of others. Even when you mess up, I know you’re aiming for what you hope is the best for others around you.” His lips twitched. “That’s something to love, I think.”

“But Bucky and--”

“Yeah, it sucked. The whole situation sucked. You made a brief bad call in a desperate moment. Honestly, with how set-up we were, I’m not sure how we could’ve walked out of that situation with a happy ending.”

“I didn’t _tell_ you.”

“I know.” He cupped his face, his thumb rubbing circles on his cheek. “I know you didn’t. And I know that haunts you. Will haunt you. And to answer your question before, I don’t know either. I have no idea what you could’ve said to make everything better. Honestly, I don’t know how that asshole even knew that you didn’t tell me.” He wiped his face and sighed. “It was just a big mess. But…Steve, were you ever planning on it?”

He nodded instantly. “Yes, yes I was. I promise you I was. I just…I just wanted Bucky there. I hadn’t seen the video; I didn’t know there was one, or what exactly happened. Just that the Winter Soldier was the allegedly was the cause of…of their death.”

“Allegedly?”

“The files on what happened just dubbed it that way. Even though SHIELD was connected to Hydra they didn’t have direct link to their files like what Zemo was able to find. Of course Hydra would’ve been a little more careful than be super bureaucratic in the middle of their take-over. Pierce wasn’t stupid. He would’ve had files concerning the Winter Soldier edited long before I showed up. He was tied directly to an assassin. He covered his tracks.”

“So the SHIELD Intel you read was all just speculation?”

“There was proof, a lot of proof given the Winter Soldier’s long rap sheet,” he flinched as he remembered who the Winter Solider was. “But there were rarely any witnesses. Nat was one of the only few. So it became difficult to pinpoint what…what hit belonged to him.”

Tony nodded slowly.

“I just…God, I was terrified it was him. That it was true. I didn’t want to believe it though there was evidence…and…I should’ve _told_ you.”

“Yeah,” Tony agreed softly. “You should’ve. You didn’t and it’s not fair. It wasn’t the right choice. But you apologized and you know what? I actually forgive you.”

Steve shook his head in denial. “Y-You can’t.”

“I can and I do. That’s my choice and I’m making it for myself, not you. I want to move on from it. Look, yeah, you…you hurt me something bad, Steve. It’s not something I could just forget. It’s not something I’m forgiving instantly. I started forgiving you long before your confession though. I want to be happy, Steve. I want to let go of all of this shit that keeps me feeling so heavy and miserable. You messed up.”

Steve nodded with a whimper.

"Badly. But it didn’t destroy me. It hurt something terrible, yes, but I don’t want that to defy me. I’ve let other people mess me up too many times. I’m nothing but a big flesh-bag of hurt and anger. I don’t want that any more. I want you, plain and simple. And I am tired of holding back on getting what I want.”

“But you want _me_.” The way he spat out me was filled with such a familiar tone of self-loathing. It really reached into Tony's soul and squeezed something painful and empathetic.

“Yes. _You_.” Tony’s tone carried something light and warm. “It may be stupid, it may be too easy, but god…I am tired of everything being hard. I just want something easier. You apologized and you meant it?”

“Yes, god yes I do.”

“And you love me?”

"Yes. I adore you. I love you more than anything too.”

“Then just let me have you. I want this over with already. I’m tired of it.” He pressed his face against Steve’s neck. “No one else has ever really apologized to me and meant it. No one else has ever splayed themselves in front of me like what you did. You screwed up and you’ll find a way to make it up to me. And I want you to do that while we’re together. We can work this out if you just try with me.”

“I want to try. But--”

“No, nothing more to it. I’ve forgiven you, I’m open for how you’ll make it up to me, and we’ll talk about it together. Remember that? _Together_.”

Steve winced. “Was that a jab?”

“No.” Tony smiled. “It wasn’t. It really wasn't and you didn't deserve it as one. Alright,” he picked himself up and helped Steve back to his feet. He steadied Steve, watching as his knees wobbled while his face looked pale. “Hey, come on. You look like you’re about to puke. And crap, you’re still soaked.”

“I don’t need you taking care of me. I should be taking care of you.”

“Hush now. We’re going back to my room and you’re going to sit down and we’re going to finish talking about this, ok?”

His shoulders hunched like a wounded dog and he nodded slowly. “O-Ok.”

Tony led him by the hand down the hallway and back to his room. He squeezed Steve’s fingers on occasion, making sure he knew he was not about to let go any time soon. Steve returned the pressure with his own, though it was far weaker.

‘He’s right.’ Tony concluded. ‘I’m making it far too easy on him. But,’ he looked over his shoulder at the young man. His head was bowed and his eyes sunken and haunted. ‘This isn’t fair to either of us. And he’s been punished already. I don’t want to give him any more.’

They came into the bedroom and Tony went to work on getting Steve out of his clothes. The soaked shirt was first and he managed to toss the item into the tiled bathroom to deal with in the morning. He went to work on the jeans but stopped when he saw Steve’s torso in the open.

“Oh,” Tony paused as he looked at Steve’s abdomen, his fingers dancing along the bare skin. “I…I didn’t know you scarred.”

“It takes a really heavy hit to leave anything.”

Tony kneeled down in front of the tummy, his eyes locked on the starburst scar over large portion of his lower body. “You told me that hit wasn’t that bad.”

Steve shrugged meekly. “I figured I’d be ok. We had other things to worry about.”

Tony’s eyes snapped up to his, enraged, “You just told me it something heavy, as in bad, would make you scar like this. You were severely wounded, weren’t you? And you didn’t _tell_ me.”

“I’m sorry. I just…I thought you wouldn’t want to know. And we,” he cleared his throat and tried for a smile, “we did sort of have a space giant trying to rip everything apart.”

“I do not find this funny.”

“Sorry. I just didn’t see it as important or a big deal at the time. I went into that battle with an understanding I could die--"

“Don’t bullshit me, Rogers.”

Steve physically flinched at the words. But Tony did not feel merciful to stop.

“You went with a want to die, didn’t you?”

“Not…not so much a want. Just,” he exhaled and his shoulders fell weakly, “Just an expectation. I was just tired at the time and scared what it would mean if I lived through things, _again_. It felt like my defying death so often…I don’t know, like it caused a great upset.”

“So you thought you dying would fix everything?”

“I don’t…” Steve frowned in thought. “I’m not sure. I don’t think so? I don’t think I would be that naive, even at the time of that stress and exhaustion, to believe my death would miraculously fix everything I messed up. It takes actual work and time for that. I’m not too sure what I was thinking. I guess I just didn’t care?”

Tony sighed and pressed his forehead against his stomach. Steve’s stomach jittered slightly, apparently ticklish there as well. “I cared. I will always care. No matter how bad you mess up, if you ever allow yourself to mess up again, I will always care. Do not stop caring about yourself. And,” he turned his face upward to show the fury burning in his eyes, “never, ever hide anything from me again. Especially about your well-being. Understand?”

Steve looked a little thunderstruck, “I…I--”

“I require a yes out of you.”

“I…uh, yes. I will try not to--”

“No,” Tony was back on his feet and hooked his fingers in Steve’s jeans to drag him closer. “There is not a try with this. You are not going to hide this,” his pointer gently pressed against the star, “again. Do. You. Understand?”

Steve swallowed thickly and nodded. “I get to say the same about you, too.”

“Yes, fine.” Tony nodded back. “You do. I won’t hide my pain, or my injuries, from you.” He scowled down at the scar again. “Who knew about this?”

“My injury? Oh, well Bucky. But he sort of seems to know everything before I breathe. I guess because he babysat me so much. Uh…” he shifted on his feet.

“You’re going to tell me.”

Steve winced. “I get the feeling they’re going to be in trouble.”

“Damn straight they are. I am the Director and if they hide something as important as this then they are in massive shit. Names.”

“You weren’t the Direct—Bruce and Clint. Maybe Strange.” He meeped out when Tony gave him another dangerous look. “But I told them not to tell anyone. Bruce just injected something into to me to help with the bleeding and Clint helped stich me up. I was a little…delirious at the time so I’m not sure about Strange but I think someone with magic was there.”

“My own science-bro, a traitor.”

“I told him not to. I didn’t want anyone to worry. There was so much else to worry about.”

“Afterwards, you helped clean up, you went to meetings, and you were at my inauguration.” He groaned. “Jesus Christ, Rogers. What the hell is wrong with you?”

“It was worth it. I wanted to see you get your reward for all your hard work. Besides at that time my wound was healing up well enough. Just some tenderness.”

“I swear, I _swear_ it Steve Rogers,” Tony warned a vein twitching on his temple. “I am going to kill you. Now, take the jeans off.”

“Tony--”

“Off.”

Steve took a few breaths to compose himself and did as told. It was a bit awkward given his unfortunate state. He hoped Tony did not notice it but, as usual with the genius, he did.

Tony looked down and tilted a brow as his lips twitched for a smirk at Steve’s underwear. “Hmm, I’m getting the impression you rather like,” his tongue clicked seductively over the k, “my bossing you around. Ohh,” He tugged at the waistband teasingly, “Calvin Klein.”

Steve’s blush went nuclear and he tried to move around to hide his erection and away from Tony’s tempting fingers. “A-A little…a lot.”

“Don’t worry, you’re not alone with that. I rather liked using my Director voice on you. I just wish it was for something different and not your safety. But that will come soon enough.” He then proceeded to get himself down to his boxer briefs and pointed to his king-size mattress. “Bed.”

Steve decided not to push this time and he crawled into bed. Tony followed after him, pulling covers over them both and holding Steve close. The man stared up at the ceiling, lost and overwhelmed. His heart pounded wildly against his ribcage and his joints felt stiff.

“It’s ok,” Tony pressed a hand to Steve’s chest. “Breathe.”

“I-It’s really hard to.”

“Was I too much?”

“No!” He shifted a bit and sighed, “Maybe a little. _Everything_ is just too much.”

“Honesty. There we go.” Tony pulled Steve’s head to his shoulders, holding him close. “Just tell me, ok? Don’t just hold your breath and be in another place if you’re uncomfortable. Don’t go through things you don’t care for just to punish yourself.”

“You’re _not_ a punishment!”

“I have no plans to be. Just talk to me, ok? Please.” He combed his fingers through the golden hair. “We are messed up.”

“Yeah, I guess we are.” Steve looked back up to the ceiling. “Think we can be healthy and right?”

“I know we can. On some level at least. We need to try for each other.”

“I want to. I…sorry, It doesn’t even sound like I want to try.”

Tony shook his head. “No, the opposite really. When you panic I get the feeling it’s because you’re trying too hard.” His smile was wobbly. “Sensitive dork.”

“I…haven’t been accused of being sensitive before.”

“No, I bet not. You like to hide it with a composed exterior. But I see behind it now and, wow, what a big baby.” Tony laughed a bit when Steve’s face fell into a sulk. “See? We just need to breathe and talk. We’ll make it alright.”

“Are you sure you want to forgive me?”

“Yes.”

“And you want me?”

“More than anything. Besides, you weren’t the only one who did wrong in all of this.”

Steve looked up at him.

“You were right before. I did them wrong, Steve.” Tony said as he held the man’s head close to his chest, his fingers stroking through his hair, slightly dragging his nails along the scalp in a way that nearly made Steve pass out if he wasn’t so distracted. “The Accords.”

“What?”

“The first one. The Sokovian Accords. I do believe they were right… but you were right that I did them wrong too.” Tony nuzzled against him. “I hid them from you for a while. I was aware of their possibility since Ultron and Ross had approached me about two weeks before any of you.”

Steve was silent.

“Documents like that take a lot of time. To get over a hundred signatures? Yeah, it was in the progress for months and despite us being the topic of it we, primarily you, were only told three days before they came into fruition. It gave you no time to even read the stupid things.”

“Oh.”

“So, it wasn’t just you.”

Steve’s own fingers went to Tony’s chest, softly playing along the skin. “I’m sorry I made you think you couldn’t approach me with them.”

“I don’t even know why I didn’t. Looking back on it, it makes no sense. You scolded me a bit with Ultron, yeah, but you also looked me in the eyes and promised you’d back me up. And you did. Did you come off a bit judgmental at times? Yeah, sure. And I came off as an insensitive asshole too. We both just…god, we clashed.”

“Hard to deny that.”

“But I could tell you were working on it and I tried too. But then…” his mouth pulled down. “Then I froze. I didn’t know how to tell you and I was scared what you’d think...that you’d not be on my side. It actually burned me to keep it in but I didn’t know what to say or do.” He paused and blinked up at the ceiling as well. “Oh.”

Steve stared at him, waiting for him to continue.

“ _Oh_. Well, then. Apparently I know at least a little taste of what your mindset was.”

“Tony, that isn’t the same thing at all.”

“No, not exactly. But I hid something massively important about you from you. I took part in a secret concerning your future. I was part in making a decision about your actions without consulting you. And I didn’t tell you it because I was scared of your reaction and that, even if I was right, you were going to hate me.”

“But you were _right_.” Steve pulled up to his elbows to look at Tony seriously. “That’s the difference. Maybe we both did the actions wrong, or our thinking was influenced by emotions or biased, but in the end you were doing something right and I wasn’t.”

“You were motivated out of terror and shame. That is understandable.”

“Don’t let me take that excuse, Tony. Never. Fear or not…I was wrong. You were right.”

Tony growled and slammed his hand into the mattress. “I didn’t give you fucking time! And then I got pissed off at you for not instantly taking my side. I even accused you of not caring about the people we couldn’t save.” His laugh was shaky and without humor. “Just because I didn’t see it the way I wanted to. You can be cold but not because you don’t care…but because you care so much. And for some reason I couldn’t admit that to myself despite the fact I suck just a bad in expressing what I feel.”

“You were still right.”

“Sometimes being right doesn’t matter enough. I did you wrong. I did you very wrong and I got pissed at you for reacting naturally. I backed you in a corner, challenged you and your actions, emotionally blackmailed you…even if it was all for the greater good I was going to sacrifice your trust and…” He pressed the palms of his hands into his eyes and released a shaky breath.

“Tony, don’t.” Steve reached for his hands to peel them back. “I was…it was worth that sacrifice, ok?”

“Fuck that noise.” Tony snapped. “Crushing you like that was not worth it. Especially when all I needed to do was tell you about it when I learned of it.” He clenched his hands in the air like he wanted to murder his past. “Besides, if I was _right_ you would’ve trusted me with it. I clearly did it wrong when I couldn’t get you to sign the damned papers.”

“Tony, no…that wasn’t…it wasn’t about not trusting you, Tony. It was about not trusting _them_. The government was ready to blow up all of New York as their best response to an alien attack. They’ve manipulated and used people since the start. They start off saying these good things…” Steve paused, remembering how all his life had had fallen into political traps of greatness. “And what if something happened instantly? We sit and wait for them to come together as a group to decide on things?”

“I wouldn’t have let that happen.”

“Did you get to write anything in those Accords? Anything?”

Tony’s silence answered Steve’s question.

"Nothing in there belonged to you and therefore nothing in there belonged to us. I was terrified they were using you. That Ross,” his nose scrunched up as he spat the name, “was manipulating your guilt. That they knew exactly what to do to make you squirm.”

Dark browns furrowed together. “What the hell are you talking about?”

Steve bit his lip, battling with himself, before he apparently decided on the right course and stared up at Tony. “This was a theory. I don’t think I could’ve ever proved it but it was a concern that…Charlie Spencer’s mother did not find you on her own. I’m positive of that. I don’t have evidence to support it. But how the hell did she get so close to you? You were at a protected conference, in a protected building, in a protected university. You’re an Avenger and a rich one at that. Your safety is something that is never underestimated. No one _without access_ should’ve gotten backstage to find you. How the hell did she?”

“I…well…” Tony faltered at the memory of finding that woman waiting suspiciously before the elevator. He had understood almost the moment he saw her she was after him but…well after she showed him the picture of her baby anything else just washed out of his head. How did that woman get in that hallway? Why was that hallway empty? How did she know he was coming out that direction, alone?

“How did she manage to blame you, you and only you, for her son? Why didn’t she come to me? I was the leader at the time. I asked for people to come to me concerning issues. Or Bruce or Thor? They were more of the muscles during the destruction. What about Wanda? Manipulated or not, she was a cause for the devastation. So why, and how, you?”

Tony opened and closed his mouth but no sounds came out.

“Because I believe it was a set up to get you on their side. They knew how kind you are.” Steve growled, his protective instincts on fire. “They knew how much people meant to you. How, out of all of us, you’re the one less willing to take a life. And how guilt is your biggest weakness and motivator. How the fuck could I ever trust people who probably used you like that?”’

It looked like Tony forgot the concept of air and breathing.

“It was a suspicion of mine during it but…then Peggy and then Bucky and then Zemo.”

“All…all quite a coincidence to happen together. Oh.” Tony pressed his back against the mattress and choked on a sob. “They were…oh god.”

“Chunks of it was just bad luck or connected to Zemo, not the UN.” Steve hushed with a comforting tone. “The Accords, the ones you believed you were giving us to sign were right. I still didn’t sign them. I am so sorry about that. I am. I’m sorry I was so stubborn and blinded by Bucky I didn’t think about what was happening and why my instincts were so…tense.”

Tony covered his face again. “Jesus.”

“No, don’t.” Steve took his hands and pulled them away from his face to stare at his eyes. “Don’t. None of it was your fault. None of it. You were right in it. Ok? You were looking out for us and our safety. You were thinking of those we couldn’t save. You were right, Tony. You told me to be honest with you and I am being honest with you. You were _right_. Out of everyone in the government, in the Avengers, in it all you have the least blame.”

Tony’s fingers trailed over Steve’s wrist as he grasped them like a life-line. “Are you sure?”

“More than anything.” Steve smiled gently at him. “You were _right_.”

“I hurt you.”

“And I hurt you. Not too mention I didn’t speak up. About the Accords. Before I started to think about everything else. Everything…” He paused, his face showing signs of confliction.

“Don’t stop. Please.” Tony begged, his voice hoarse. “Tell me. I need to hear it. Please.”

So Steve did.

“What would we do if the team who decide things get infiltrated? How were we supposed to trust them when they failed to provide us with information on the change from the start? What would they do when wars and unrest broke out?” Steve was speaking a mile a minute as all the questions and doubts that had plagued him over the Accords finally spilled out of him. “They could tell us to assassinate a leader out of the good of the world and yet that would still give us the liability as the causation of a war that follows after. We would simultaneously be out of control of our decisions but be blamed for when things go wrong. I’m fine with not taking credit or being blamed, but not you Tony.”

Tony gently kissed the pulse on Steve’s wrist. “You don’t deserve blame either.”

“But you get blamed for _everything_. I’ve been part of that issue as well…I can say it’s cause I care most about you and just…just get so temperamental when you do something that endangers yourself…but that doesn’t matter. I’m still part of the problem. You were blamed for Ultron, for Sokovia, for the use of weapons, for--”

Tony leaned over and pressed their lips together, hushing the man for a moment. “Easy. You’re panicking.” He chuckled; it was weak but still had some life in it. “You sound a lot like me. Besides, those were my fault.”

“And Pepper’s, and your father’s, and that bastard Obadiah’s, and Bruce’s, and Wanda’s. You took over a weapon company and just continued what you learned unaware you were being manipulated. And no offense to Pepper, I love her and everything, but she was as oblivious as you with what was happening. Bruce was the other parent of Ultron. Wanda implanted the idea in your head. I…” He trailed off with a pained grimace. “I did, god, everything wrong.”

“Whoa, _you_? You have nothing to do with those things.”

Steve gave him a look. “Of course I do. I was the leader of the Avengers at the time and I wasn’t someone you were comfortable enough to approach about the idea of Ultron. If I had been better you would’ve felt like you could’ve talked about it with me. Even if Ultron had happened still, I could’ve taken the responsibility. I was the face of the Avengers so people would’ve blamed me. Not you.”

“Jesus, Steve. This martyr-shit has to stop.”

“Hypocrite.” Steve jabbed Tony’s side with a few fingers. “Besides, nothing about it is being a martyr. I did wrong.”

“Touché. Ok,” he stroked Steve’s forehead and nodded. “Yeah, in some aspects you did. You messed up and I did too. More so than I had realized.”

“You didn’t mess up the Accords.”

“Uh, yeah I did Cap. I’m a genius and…god damn it. I didn’t think to see--”

Steve decided to be the one to start the kiss this time. “We both messed up. Myself more than you.” He kissed him again. “But if I agree we both did, you,” his fingers followed a loving trail up Tony’s sides, feeling all the scars and bumps from past broken bones, “need to let it go too. Even if you did major wrong, you’ve made up for it. Look at the Avengers. Look at what we’ve become now. We defeated Thanos because of you. We’re seen as heroes because of you. We’re a family because of you. _That_ is what you need to concentrate on.”

Tony’s face melted into a smile, ignoring the fact he was obviously crying. “Anyone tell you that you’re attractive when you compliment me?”

“Glad I can finally look attractive then.”

“You’ve never had that problem before. Trust me.”

“That’s not what I meant and you know it.”

Tony shrugged, wiping his eyes, and gave a lick to Steve’s chin. “You did give me positive attention from time to time. Certainly no less than myself.”

Steve frowned as a shudder when down his spine at the attention. He tried not to close his eyes and beg for more. There was still too much left to talk about. He wanted to ensure Tony was ok. “W-What do you mean?”

“I mean I was pretty cruel to you. I picked nasty fights and tried to take down your ego without even knowing how big it was. Not exactly fair when you were so damaged.”

“I’m sorry but I don’t follow.”

“Steve, baby, I can’t apologize enough for what I did to you that first day. You didn’t…you didn’t deserve that. I knew you needed someone but I fucked up.” He kissed over Steve’s knuckles. “You must’ve been so scared when you woke up by yourself. I knew you were asking for my help and I insulted you and left you alone.”

“Oh…oh. Tony no. That…ok, it hurt but I called you Howard.”

“You didn’t mean anything by it. At that time you thought he was a good man. I was just overly sensitive and had a little twitch about emotions.” He kissed the left side of Steve’s neck, running his chin against the skin, and smiled to himself as Steve jumped and wiggled a bit.

“Tonyyyy, _AH_!” He arched, his body unsure what to do with the onslaught of sweet emotions, tickling, and seductive attention. “I thought w-we were talking?”

“We can talk as I give your neck some _special_ attention.” He purred. “Besides, I’m apologizing. You deserve a proper apology, don’t you?”

“W-What…” Steve gritted his teeth when Tony bit him. “What about you?”

“Oh, I intend to get a good apology from you.” 

“T-Tonyyy,” he whined and tried to pull back. 

“Oh, I’m sorry. You ticklish there? How interesting.”

“How the hell do you know that?” Steve panted weakly.

“Oh, I had a little talk with Barnes. We’ve started to connect a bit, you see. He decided as an apology he’d give me some dirt on you.”

“You…you talked with Bucky?” He gasped, eyes growing glazed when Tony went back to giving his neck attention. “O-Oh.”

“Yes and let’s not have you say another man’s name in bed, ok?”

“You s-started it.” Steve closed his eyes and sighed weakly. “I don’t think I can take apologies and _apologies_ , Tony.”

“Mhm, I forget, you’re a virgin. You may be a little sensitive to all of this.” He grinned. “That’s gonna be part of my apology from you. I get to give you all the special attention I want and enjoy your,” he practically slurred the final word as he dragged a finger down Steve’s stomach and his tongue up along his neck, “reactions.”

He whined pathetically.

“My sweetheart. This is far too cute.”

“F-Fuck you.”

“Maybe one day. But I want to warn you I do prefer to top.”

“Well,” Steve panted and opened an eye to try and glare. It was very pathetic with how flushed and doped out he looked. Poor thing. “Well, good. W-Works for me.”

“Trying to be tough with your nipples practically peeling off your body they’re so hard and your skin trembling? _Aww_ , your attempt is noted, baby.” Tony kissed around his jaw and then took a nice inhale of Steve’s scent. He rolled on top of him to get a better feel of the younger man’s pristine body. He kissed and pressed his fingers against any part he could find. He absorbed the touch greedily, nibbling on his tender mouth, and feeling a wave of euphoria that it was all his.

Steve seemed to enjoy the attention as he touched and kissed back with just as much hunger and desperation. His grip was on the verge of leaving bruises and Tony relished the idea of it. Poor thing would probably feel bad about it but sharing marks with each other was too sexy to pass up.

Steve pulled away first, his eyes heavy and his chest panting. All from a simple make-out session. It was simply too adorable for words.

“I-I’m a little dizzy.” He confessed, his voice sounding a bit tipsy.

Above him Tony smiled, “Sorry boo-bear. I may be over stimulating you a bit. You ok?”

"B-Boo-bear?” His lips trembled in an amused smile.

“I’m just going to go through the whole book of pet-names for you. You know me and my names.” He kissed him again. “Though I suspect baby and Cap are going to be my favorites.” He pinched Steve’s side playfully. “What are you going to call me?”

“Butthead?”

Tony pouted and pinched his hip again, “I want a pet-name.”

Steve managed a laugh, “I’ll try to think of one for you. Promise.”

“Think of one now.”

He laughed again, “Ok, ok.” He wrapped his arms around Tony’s shoulders. “Let’s see…what can I name you? Maybe something traditional, like honey.”

“I’d take that.” Tony beamed. “What else?”

“I think you’d get a little too excited about the name stud. I don’t want to get this,” he tapped Tony’s head, “bigger.”

“Aww, I like that one though”

Steve grinned, “Maybe if you prove it to me that you actually are one.”

“Ooh, I like the sound of that challenge.” Tony kissed him again. “But later, ok, baby? We still have a few things to talk about. Ok?”

“Yeah, sure,” Steve’s fingers gently dragged over the shape of Tony’s arms, looking in interest as the muscles flexed and hair rose under his touch. He grinned, “Ok, star-eyes.” 

“Star-eyes? That’s the name you’re going to call me?”

Steve shrugged but he had a blush on his face to show he wasn’t very nonchalant about it. “Yeah, you’re brilliant and bright like the stars, something I’ve loved for years…overlooking the whole American thing. You’re just like a universe. I can see everything through your eyes.”

“Well,” he blushed now as well. “Well then, I’ll keep it. Yeah, I like it. You’ll call me that in public, right?”

“Only if you _won’t_ call me boo-bear.”

“No deal.” He poked Steve’s nose.

Steve laughed, his smile bright and warm; it was the happiest expression Tony had seen on his face in some time. He got the feeling his own expression matched Steve’s perfectly. 

“Let’s…let’s start.” Steve’s hands cupped Tony’s cheeks, fingers playing over the shape of his beard and jaw. “Talking. Or let’s finish. I…I want…I want you. So please, I want to get this done so I can have you, _please_.”

“Shh,” his fingers trailed over Steve’s soft lips. “You will, baby, you will. I’ll give you everything soon. And I’ll take everything from you too. I just don’t want anything else getting between us.” He pressed his chest against Steve’s own, making sure his arc did not sting the man. “We’re both pretty messed up at the moment. I don’t want our insecurities to get in the way.”

Steve whimpered like he was in pain, and nodded, “F-Fair. I don’t want to mess this up.”

“You won’t, love. I won’t either. But we have to talk about this.”

“God,” Steve groaned. “This is painful, miserable, and also so attractive that you’re being so mature right now. Evil and tempting, damn you, but so mature. It’s too hot, s-star-eyes.” His breath hitched in embarrassment over the pet name and when Tony decided his fingers needed to briefly dance over his knees.

“Hey, what can I say?” Tony grinned. He found he really enjoyed the attention and name. “I make everything attractive.”

“I want to fight you on that but I also want remain honest. So, yes,” he sighed sadly, “yes, yes you do make everything attractive.”

“Yay me.” He kissed him again. “Right, we need to concentrate on being serious.”<

“Then stop doing _that_ ,” his legs jerked when Tony’s fingers started to get close to his inner thighs, “to me.”

“It’s too hard. And don’t grin at me, I wasn’t being perverted with that.”

“Now who is the liar?”

Tony laughed, “Wow, we are ridiculous. My nose is still stuffy and my eyes damp from before and now…now I can’t stop smiling. This is exhausting.”

“But good?”

“Yeah, I think so. We’re just being sort of honest with ourselves I think. Enjoying one moment, crying the next, and then smiling again. Almost seems cathartic.” He lounged on top of Steve, enjoying the feel of the man’s chest as replacement pillows. “I just want to feel things again. I didn’t realized I wasn’t feeling anything, you know?”

Steve hugged him and nodded, “Yeah, I do.”

They did not talk for a while. Both just listened to the other’s heartbeat and touched each other without the desperation as before. Their company was enough for that moment.

“Funny,” Tony said, unable to keep still and silent forever, no matter what the circumstances, “when you think about it…when we first met you were all for the government…when it all happened we just sort of reversed.” Tony had to laugh a bit at the ridiculousness of it all. 

“Mhm, things really changed us.”

“Yeah. Not sure how much I like it. But nothing to really be done about it now.”

“Learn from it?”

“Now look who is being mature.”

“Learned from the best.” Steve poked Tony’s side. “I can’t tell if I want sex, sleep, or more talking.”

“I want all of them too. But maybe sleep. Yeah,” he blew out air, feeling a bit queasy he was so worn out. “Sleep sounds the best.”

“No more talking?”

“You know what? Yeah. For tonight Forget being mature and dipping back into snot-face-crying territory.” Tony re-tuck themselves in. “We’re going to probably talk and cry most every day for awhile. It’ll take a lot of time but it’ll be worth it.”

“Yeah,” Steve smile was so tender, “you are.”

“Don’t get corny.” He still couldn't stop the pleased grin spreading on his face. 'Worth it. Yeah...yeah, I think I am.'

Steve shrugged, “Just being honest.”

“Honesty suits you.”

“I’m going to try and wear it more often.”

“Thanks. I’ll do the same. And I’ll try not to be such a ridiculous asshole.”

“Stop,” Steve tapped his knuckles against Tony’s forehead. “You’re not always a ridiculous asshole.”

“Such kind words. Be still my heart.”

“Tony, I do want to talk to you about everything. Siberia, Bucky, my choices…I don’t want to leave anything untouched. I want you to understand it all. To give you a fair chance at everything.”

“Yeah, I want to hear it. And I want to tell you about how you saved me from killing an innocent man, how you looked after me even when I didn’t think so, how sometimes my mouth gets ahead of my mind. I want to apologize for things too.”

“Ok,” Steve’s fingers seemed fascinated with the outline of Tony’s beard.

“Are you ok with that?”

“No. I still don’t think you really have much to apologize for.”

“That’s only because you’re a bit lost in your own shame and struggling with your self-worth. I’ve dealt with it before. I can help you out. Ooh, _oh_ I like that.” Tony purred as Steve’s fingers went back and forth along his jaw. “Don’t worry, baby. We’re getting through it.”

“I know.” He sighed, “I’m throwing us in a spiral, aren’t I?”

“It’s fine. I bet my turn will come soon enough for that.” He blew a raspberry on Steve’s neck and smirked when he withered on the sheets, miserable, giggling, and turned on. “I’m going to remember this for the rest of our lives. I can distract you with a simple tickle.”

“You’re not fair.”

“Nope. Not at all. Now,” he pulled his mouth away and tossed his arm over Steve’s chest, reaching for his hand so they could lock their fingers together. “We need to rest, I think. Just a bit. Sleep now, talk tomorrow, maybe something else too.”

Steve shifted slightly to curl up against him. “I don’t know how to turn off the panic.”

“Once I get the answer to that, you’ll be the first to know.”

“I feel even sleeping next to you is wrong. That all I need to do is one wrong breath or twitch and everything, all of it that just happened, falls apart. What I’m saying now seems like the wrong move.”

“Shh, no more tonight. We’re just going to let it go and rest. We’re done for now, ok? I would order you but I’m afraid you may like that too much.”

“Tease.”

Tony took a deep inhale, pleased to have this man in his arms and in his bed. He couldn’t wait for this to be done every day for the rest of their life. He found he could not stop touching Steve’s bare skin. “You’re gonna learn what it really means to be teased soon enough, doll-face. After enough sleep that I can keep up with your stamina. I’m but an old man, babe. I need energy.”

Steve laughed, “I need to mark that down on my calendar, the day Tony Stark called himself _old_.”

“You quote me on that to anyone and I’ll make sure you’re grounded for a year.”

“Grumpy old fart.” He yelped when Tony pinched his backside but laughed a bit afterwards. “Sorry, sorry.”

“Yeah, you better be. Now sleep.”

“Ok, ok.” He breathed and closed his eyes, trying to get comfortable. He had never been held in bed before. It took some getting use to but it was not unpleasant. “Hey, I’m bigger, shouldn’t I be the…” he scowled, thinking on the proper term.

“Big spoon?”

“Yeah?”

“Tomorrow night, baby, if you want it. I want to hold you tonight. Besides, you’re technically holding me back.” Tony closed his eyes as well. “Are you talking about how you’re on my shoulder and, therefore, looking smaller? Wow, insecure much?”

Steve poked him, “Just a little.”

“Because you think you need to hold me, because you did wrong, because you see me as smol--”

“What the hell is smol?” Steve blinked.

“Shh, I’m ranting here. Because you have this moronic thing in your head that you have to always be the protector. Well bullshit to that, baby. I want to be the protector for you. So you’re staying just like this.” He kissed Steve’s hairline. “Now, try and turn that head off and sleep.”

“Hypocrite.”

“Second time tonight you’ve called me that.”

“Just calling it as I see it.” But Steve wiggled around for a few moments before he finally found himself a comfortable spot and cuddled up close. 

“There you go. Now close your eyes.” Tony hummed, gently massaging Steve’s shoulders as he watched the blond do as told. “Deep breaths. Follow how I breathe, ok?”

“Ok.” 

Tony closed his own eyes and tried to convince himself it was not a dream. Steve would be there for him in the morning. They would talk, they would cry, and they would laugh. This was to be the change he deserved.

It was funny how he could almost feel everything physically fall into place.

‘I’ll be damned to let this go.’

“Love you, baby.”

The confession had such impact in the silent bedroom. He could feel Steve tremble slightly and worried he may start over-fretting again. But Steve started to still and relax and he let out his own breathy, “Love you too.”

And Tony smiled and, for the first time in what felt like years, feel secure and eager for the morning. 

‘Yeah,’ he thought, his voice slurring in his own mind a images of stars and happy bears drifted over. ‘Yeah, this is happiness. This is mine. This,’ he dreamt of Steve smiling and held him closer for warmth. ‘This is worth it.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay self-indulgent goodness! I had to finish it up with almost complete forgiveness and happiness. I think both Steve and Tony deserve it and it always breaks my heart to see so much Steve-hate (or mega Steve displeasure) going around when, even from the first viewing, I thought there was something to what Steve had to say. I was for the Accords too...but the more I thought about it the more suspicious they became especially with all the "coincidences" happening around them (poor writing, perhaps, but look at it through cannon eyes...what exactly was the government doing?) So this was my little dip into the post-Civl War and trying to give BOTH characters something fair.
> 
> And honestly, the more I thought about it, the less sense it made that Steve actually _knew_ Bucky killed Tony’s parents. Even with the files released from SHIELD, I just can’t see Hydra placing all their hush-hush info within the system of their enemy, especially when they wanted to take them down from the inside out. And Pierce, a higher up in SHIELD and Hydra, having files and evidence of the Winter Soldier (someone he’s connected with) in arm’s reach of Fury and the slowly promoted-Steve seemed too stupid for his character too.
> 
> To me, Steve knowing was a pretty bad plot-hole and did not make sense to what happened and to Steve’s character. I still followed along with it within this story but it truly doesn’t make sense that he knew and that he didn’t tell Tony. What happened in this chapter is the best I could do in terms of reaching for the “Civil War Cannon” but, honestly, I don’t think I could play with that idea any more because the more I write about it the easier it is to tear apart (and the more difficult it is writing about it lol)
> 
> Well, that's my rant! Hope you all enjoyed the story!


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